Friends, fear and failures

During the last year, I have met three very different people with one common feature: they all choose to hide their private life from their colleagues at work. Each time I discovered this feature I was equally dumbfounded and shocked. I just don't seem to understand.

In an effort to understand these people, I'll first try to look at my own attitude. Why do I find it desirable to tell my colleagues of my private life? I come to two distinct conclusions:

1. First the utilitarian finding: I find that telling people what I like, what I do and what I value, makes them understand me better. It is easier to communicate with people whom I understand. I prefer to co-operate with people whom I understand and I feel that the results are better with such people. Therefore, communicating with people about private matters improves my performance at work.
2. Then the romantic finding: I enjoy the company of friends. Quite simply, I love my friends. The more friends I have, that much better. Then if I can make friends with my colleagues at work, then why should I not do it?

Making friends with everyone is naturally not possible, but I feel that trying to become/be friends is better than not trying. The few times you loose on the bet are by far outweighed by the numerous and rich wins.

Then what motivates hiding one's private life from colleagues? I'm assuming that the motivation is a fear of some sort. The only two fears I manage to conjure are:

1. A fear that one's colleagues will abuse the information from the private life. In other words, the fear would include a possibility that the colleagues use information to their own advantage, either by exposing one's secrets to a third party or by threatening to expose those secretes. However, there are several logical fallacies in this argument. First of all, if you'd already told about your private life to others, then there would be nothing left to expose. Secondly, do you really, really have secrets worth hiding? (It would perhaps be helpful to list those secrets and contemplate the exact consequence of each and the probability of that actually happening?) If your colleagues really know you, they understand you and they understand why you do/have done things as you did and they will see now fault in your actions. Thirdly, if you entrust your colleagues with details about your private life, you will also gain their respect and trust. Betraying someone you respect is indeed unlikely. In conclusion, I find it rather improbable that colleagues will abuse information about your private life.
2. A fear that one's superiors or the company abuses information about your private life. Such an abuse would of course be illegal in many cases, but let us assume that that abuse happens in a legal way or that they are not punished. Still, when it comes to superiors, all the fallacies explained above still hold. When it comes to the company in it self, we must remember that a company is run by people, and the above explanations hold for any people with whom you come in contact. Thus the only fear would concern people in parts of the company that you have no personal contact with. That fear I cannot circumvent right now.

Whatever the reason is for non-communication of the private life, I believe that concentrating on merely fears is contra-productive. We should look at the balance. How probable are the abuses and the benefits and what are their consequences? In my book, the certain great benefits by far outweigh the tiny risks of abuse.

Observing my three friends, I am saddened to find evidence that supports my claims. Two of them have recently experienced terrible hardships at work, explicitly, they have gone through quite a lot of fighting at work. Note, however, that I do not claim that they are responsible for causing the fighting. My claim is that obtaining understanding between colleagues is both a preventive and mitigating measure to fights. In other words, fighting is less likely and the possible fights are milder between people that understand each other.

This is a typical self-reinforcing evil spiral. Secrets undermine mutual understanding, increasing the probability of problems, thereby increasing the need for secrecy. This imminent failure can be turned to self-reinforcing positive spiral by realising that an open attitude increases mutual understanding, diminishing the probability of problems, thereby diminishing the need for secrets. Remember, the responsibility of this re-framing of the situation lies on your shoulders.