Happiness traps

Learning to be happy is an uphill struggle, but the efforts are deeply rewarding.

I've recently occupied a lot of my private time to observing phenomenon that I would call happiness traps. I have not coined the term, but I find it very useful. A happiness trap is a mechanism that at first glance seems logical, but produces unhappiness in the long run. Often, happiness traps are also self-amplifying, they lead to vicious spirals of unhappiness.

Let us look at a simple example. A friend of me recently said to me "I need to improve my performance in X." Ok. That seems reasonable enough, perhaps even noble. But the happiness trap is obvious. The keyword here is "need". "I need to improve." As if improving performance would be essential for survival. As if failure to improve would lead to a disaster. I can assure you that his performance in X is already excellent, so the desire to improve is only inside his mind. Failure would only hurt his ego.

Perhaps a more fruitful approach would be to say, "I want to improve"? Indeed, this is a better approach, acknowledging that it is a desire, a "want". This way the requirement of reaching the objective is removed or at least diminished. It is a big step from need to desire, a big improvement in my opinion. But still only half way. It still connects improvement to the self. If the goal is not 100% met, it is a failure to fulfil the desire. It is a failure. It makes him unhappy.

My proposal would be to say "My objective is to improve in X." Then success is more detached from the self. An objective is not a performance requirement. It specifies a direction. Concentrating on direction rather than a performance level, makes the effort or the process the goal rather than the performance level. That enables us to become happy from a good effort, even though we fail to reach the ultimate goal.

Now I have caught myself talking about failure repeatedly. Failure is not something that a happy person ponders upon. The emphasis of a happy person is always on a good effort rather than a success or failure. If you only require success, you will sooner or later face failure. You will become unhappy. If you emphasise good efforts, you don't need to fail. You can have difficult days, where good efforts are difficult, but because it is difficult, it is still a good effort.

I am afraid that I am over-analysing this simple sentence. But I feel like it demonstrates a pattern. To use thinking patterns of needs, lays the way for unhappiness. Failure becomes imminent. Concentrating on the process, goals and directions, builds a sustainable happiness.

Some claim that such detachment of desires means that you detach from your feelings. If that only were possible! Acknowledging your desires actually makes you more aware of your feelings. You become aware of how your desires control you. Awareness, in turn, gives you the opportunity to reflect if that desire is something that you really want, or is it just something superficial, and it gives you the opportunity to choose if you want to follow that desire.